The Gift of Silence
Fifteen months after my first 10-day silent meditation course, I eagerly slipped back into a cocoon of silence.
There's something beautiful -- magical-- spiritual that happens when you lovingly release yourself from everything outside of you.
After finding a course that worked with my schedule, I wrote myself a permission slip to slide out of sight, out of reach and perhaps even out of mind.
It's the greatest gift I have ever given myself.
Some of you will remember my first go around with Vipassana in April 2023, which I documented for
This year, I attended as a returning student and course server at Texas' newest Vipassana Meditation Center in New Ulm, a town between Houston and Austin.
With less fear, doubt and nerves than last year, I packed modest clothes, bed linens, towels and toiletries and happily prepared to turn over my phone and car keys. I was fully prepared to live like a monk or nun for the next 10 days.
What is Vipassana?
For those unfamiliar with the process, Vipassana meditation courses are application-based. In many cases, there are waitlists to get into these 10-day courses. There are more than 245 centers around the world where people flock to learn this technique of meditation which is non-religious and open to all at no-cost.
After arrival, check in, standard paperwork, dinner and a group meeting, everyone starts practicing noble silence. That means you do not talk, read, write, exercise or make eye contact with anyone else. There are exceptions when speaking to a teacher or team leader if you have an urgent need or question about the meditation technique.
Further, you agree to abide by certain rules: not to steal, lie, take intoxicants, kill (even insects), and not to perform any sexual acts for your time on site. Men and women are segregated for the duration of the course. The idea is: you're there to purify your mind via this specific meditation technique. In order to uproot, unlock, dislodge and discard any misery or trauma that you're holding onto, you must rid yourself of all distractions. In the process, you learn how to: improve focus, reduce cravings, and soften reactions like anger, ill will, hatred and animosity.
Celebrities including Oprah Winfrey, Katy Perry, Jack Dorsey and Diego Perez (@Yung_Pueblo) have all touted the benefits of a Vipassana practice, which can be boiled down to mastering the mind.
It's a technique that traces back 2500 years to the teachings of Gautama Buddha in India. Vipassana translates to "insight," -- or seeing things as they are, not as you wish them to be. There is heavy emphasis on the concept of constant change and acceptance.
There are Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Atheists, etc who are students of Vipassana. The lessons are based on the Universal law of nature and are applicable to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
To some, 10 days of silence sounds insane-- extreme-- ridiculous. If you read my article from last year, you know that it took me years to feel 'ready' for Vipassana.
After completing two 10-day courses, I would describe it as the most liberating experience of my life.
How?
Think about how your day typically starts. Perhaps with an alarm, a glance at your phone, scrolling emails and social media, tending to pets and children, reading or watching the latest news... breathless and burned out by noon, Americans pump our bodies full of caffeine just to push through the second half of the day. I get it. I used to do the same thing.
In Vipassana, we wake up to the sound of a gong. In a private room, I roll out of bed and meditate. No makeup, no emails, no worries about hair, nails, technology or traffic. Everything is silent. I spend the first hours of a new day, peacefully, with myself.
Breakfast and lunch are prepared and provided at designated meal times. There is a gap in the afternoon to either nap, walk outside (silently) or meditate more. Then, there is an afternoon group meditation session. Ginger tea and fruits are served at 5pm before the 6pm group meditation and video discourse led by the late S.N. Goenka. This is followed by one final shorter evening meditation and sleep. Lights out by 10pm.
Then, you start again. And again. And again for 10 days.
One of the most common questions I get when I share that I'm going into Vipassana is:
What do you DO the whole time?
You're on a very strict schedule between group meditation times, meal times and evening discourses.
Many people say, 'there's no way I could sit for that long; I'd get bored.'
To those people, I say, you're missing the whole point. Vipassana is a beautiful opportunity to examine and experience your humanity, your breath, your senses.
It's simple-- but not easy. It's not designed to be easy. To sit for so many hours, day after day, requires dedication, discipline, focus, effort, patience, grace... A lot of people think, yes, I want that! The catch is: you have to work for it. It doesn't just happen. And it's certainly harder to make it happen while juggling the pace of modern day life. Hence, a time out.
Take away all of the noise and what's left is... who you are at the core.
Vipassana courses teach you how to live with equanimity. They offer a tranquil, soothing and calm environment so that you can practice responding with observation, awareness and balance regardless of whatever comes up while diving deep into the folds of your body and mind.
Was it Different the Second Time?
Yes!
As a course server this year, I worked in the kitchen helping to prepare breakfast and lunch. Every morning, I would report to the kitchen at 5:30am to chop vegetables, write the day's menu on the white board and help to set the buffet of vegetarian offerings. When silent mealtimes were over, I would wipe down tables, sweep and mop the women's dining area and help to clear and set up the space for the next meal.
We were a team of 5 full-time kitchen servers plus a team lead, a swift moving and highly respected 72-year old Vietnamese woman who is a longtime Vipassana meditator and server. Together, our team learned to perform daily tasks around each other without unnecessary or excess chatter. If I was peeling carrots, I was focused totally on that task. We naturally sorted out who performed what: some prefered washing dishes, some enjoyed cooking, some kept an eye on re-stocking condiments when teas, honey, spices and sauces were running low. Very quickly, we became a well-oiled machine, strangers finding a flow.
It was hard work: mentally and physically.
My first Vipassana experience was more about 'just me.' This time, I was there to meditate, and to be silent-- but I was also serving others. This became my first major mental hurdle.
It wasn't until Day 6 or 7 when I realized that my eagerness to go off-grid for 10 days was because I craved a break from the noise of city life. I wanted to be accessible to no one.
Even with a relatively 'chill' lifestyle compared to most of my friends and acquaintances, it's overwhelming: running my own small business, emails, questions, negotiations, rejections, not to mention the constant hum of sirens, traffic, car horns and construction outside my window. Add in layers of TV, music, podcasts, news, social media, phone calls taking in details of other people's lives and innermost thoughts day after day... I was emotionally and energetically exhausted.
I wanted a break from the constant cycle of consuming and creating.
More than half way through the course I realized: as a course server, I wasn't getting the break I thought I came here for.
That's when everything changed.
My Biggest Takeaway
A lot of people think that meditation and prayer have to be mutually exclusive. Respectfully, I disagree. There were times in meditation when I felt in absolute Union with God.
During one meditation session on Day 8, as I was sitting, I awakened to my actual life purpose.
I exist to live a life of service.
Reflecting back on my life, this has actually always been the case.
Local news journalists (historically) are public servants. My work as a yoga and meditation teacher, retreat leader, unofficial counselor to many -- also fall under the category of giving. Oldest sibling? Yep. Resident assistant in college dorms? Uh huh. Anyone who has known me for any extended period of time-- since my days as a high school volunteer-- knows this to be true.
A memory of me as a kindergartener outside of my first elementary school came to mind. It's my earliest clear childhood memory. Our homework was to take 2 confetti eggs to school. My mom sent me to school with five confetti eggs. I remember saying to my teacher at dropoff, "I brought extra eggs in case anyone was careless and dropped theirs." I was 5. This was obviously me parroting something I'd heard from an adult. Ahem. It was also my first lesson in paying (disproportionate) attention to those outside of me-- rather than simply taking care of my assignment.
From then on, it became a habit to see, care and overcompensate for and cater to others before myself. I have been deferential in relationships. I have accepted what's been given without fighting for my time, worth or personal desires. I am in the process of unlearning that behavior. In the first night's Vipassana video discourse, Goenka eloquently states, "Do not harm yourself in the process of helping others."
Mic drop.
I kept meditating on my purpose. I am here -- in Vipassana, as a course server-- to learn how best to serve others while establishing boundaries and maintaining personal energy reserves. I am practicing how to seamlessly apply generosity without overextending myself or being hyper-aware of others. I'm here to feel a proper sense of balance. I am here to sit with myself, see myself first, and honor my needs.
In this same meditation, my thoughts dissipated over time and I went from feeling parts of my body-- shoulders, spine, sit bones-- to feeling only tiny waves of energy. Prickling, tingling, heat, throbbing, pulsing, nuanced and subtle sensations arose from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.
I didn't move for two hours.
What Happened Next?
As days went on, I would wake up to birds chirping and fall asleep to the sounds of crickets. My brain was picking up incredible, magical subtleties: I watched a banana spider create a stunning web outside of the main meditation hall; A cluster of female paper wasps worked diligently to construct papery honeycomb-like cells under overhangs; Every night-- into the wee hours of morning, an army of leafcutter ants hoisted tiny leaves through fields and, in perfect order, delivered them to an underground nest outside of our staff housing.
I witnessed rainbows over the campus, a sky full of stars, came eye-to-eye with a baby deer on our walking path, and watched dragonflies, cardinals and butterflies sweep and bounce through brush.
These are moments I would easily miss if looking down at a phone or wearing Airpods.
Finally, I was witnessing and coexisting with life and nature. And it was so stunning that it would bring me to tears. I wanted nothing more than to share this overflow of loving kindness. But it wasn't yet time. I got to contain it.
Connecting Vipassana to 'Real Life'
When sitting in Vipassana meditation, we are instructed not to resist or react to any sensations that arise in the body. We are awake, aware and our job is to observe without judgment. Sometimes, it's easy. Sometimes it's excruciating. The turning point: realizing everything is impermanent. The shoulder pain, the foot tingles, the pleasant sensations and the painful ones-- nothing lasts forever. Mind over matter.
I'll share some of Goenka's secrets on living a more peaceful life:
1. You are the first victim of your anger.
2. "This will also change." Everything is impermanent.
3. Cravings and Aversions (strong hatred) lead to misery.
4. Misery is not contained to you. You are likely sharing it.
5. Attachment and Misery are two sides of the same coin: (**Side Note: Connection is not the same as Attachment)
You may struggle with feeling deflated when something you want doesn't happen-- or disappointed when something you don't want does happen. The constant tug of war with the likes and don't likes, wants and don't wants, haves and don't haves, pulls the mind in so many directions.
Your mind can be a playground or a prison. See what happens when you untether yourself from the tumbleweed of thought.
WOW! What a read! Thank you so much for sharing this experience in such detail. I am guilty of some of the same things you mentioned and have definitely violated the 'rule' of 'do not harm yourself while helping others'. Again, a fantastic read! You will be quoted! Hugs & Love to you.